| aGSTC Drags USATF-NJ TO COURT
After years of differences, the adidas Garden State Track Club is taking the USATF-NJ to court next week. And, as they do with all their races, they are playing to win.
Club Managing Director Charles Schneekloth retained two power lawyers from Union County to do the dirty work: Ben Dover, Esq. and Ivanna Leak, Esq. Since Judge Judy was not available, they thus enlisted her sister, Judge Hanna. After accumulating years of damages, the aGSTC demand letter will be citing seven reasons for the potential litigation. They include the following:
1. Distances and Courses Like 15k and 20k.
Over the past five years, the USATF-NJ forced valued club members to run events with distances like "15k" and "20k" on goofy courses; this has left many of them irreparably damaged, seeking therapy, and questioning their drive to run again. In fact, the club's suit claims, several members have woken up from nightmares of running lap after lap after lap after lap after lap at the 20k's Johnson Park. "Two years ago, I dreamed that I was trapped in Johnson. I kept running toward the 'exit' sign, but it kept leading me eventually toward another lap around the park. It was a very 'Myth of Sisyphus' type-experience," a beleaguered Mike Anis commented, drinking away his woes on the couch. "To be frank, I lost a little bit of myself the last time you forced me to run that GD course," he added--before passing out on a bed of empty Heineken cans. He was, however, proudly wearing his Dog Tag Award from the 20k years ago around his neck.
2. Their website.
Club members are seeking financial damages in all the time lost navigating the USATF-NJ website. "Look, I'm passionate about the arts. I really am. I frequent museums monthly. But when I need information from the USATF-NJ, visiting their site is like walking into an Internet Museum of the 1990's. I can't tell you how many hours I've lost from my family, friends, and my training just looking for the track schedule. I want that time back. This is retribution, a long time coming," said a beleaguered Mark Parisen. "I'm sorry to cut this interview short, but I have to go. I need to find out what to do with these Award Miles, and I can only dedicate another three hours to this wild Easter Egg hunt."
3. Award Miles.
After performing well at a USATF-NJ event, runners are provided with a choice: a medal or "Award Miles." But what are they? What function do they serve? What's up with that random number on the right? Why not a "loyalty punch card" like at Bagel Bizarre? Why are they so awkwardly sized? Why hasn't anyone ever emailed us about their purpose? Members are filing suit out of mere confusion. "In some ways, I'd almost rather run another loop around Johnson Park than clutter my room up with these things," Anis stated. "I mean, I feel guilty throwing them out, so I keep them, but then I don't know why, or where to put them. Wait--no, no, I take that back. Please don't make me run another loop of that course. By the way, is it 7am or 7pm?"
4. Race Selection.
When asked about the 2016 road racing schedule this year, USATF-NJ officials were excited. In a phone interview, one staff member, agreeing to speak anonymously, stated, "It's going to be great. We picked great races. The best races. We know the best races. Which ones? All of them. All these races are great." But when looking closer...not so much. Many of the unpopular races stayed on, and the best road race in NJ, the President's Cup, was removed. "Look, it's going to be great. Terrific. Trust me. Everyone is excited. Everyone loves the USATF-NJ. I've talked to all the runners. And if you don't like it, I'll tell the guy standing next to you to slap you in the face and have the police escort you out of here."
5. USATF-NJ Track Meet. This picture, taken from the 2014 USATF-NJ Track and Field meet, says it all. "Again, I like museums," Parisen quipped. "But when I go to a track meet, I'd like a competitive environment that feels like something from the 21st Century. Also, I felt weird jumping over those hurdles from the Lincoln administration. I mean, like, there just can't be many of these left in the world, ya know? Would you want to be jumping over delicate relics of yesteryear?" Known for taking a painfully long 10-15 minutes between heats of races, the 2015 USATF-NJ meet, hosted on June 5, wrapped up in late August, just in time for cross country season to start. "A few hurdles broke, so we had to call in a carpenter a few times. This takes time. But we do believe the athletes had a good time this month," an association long jump official claimed about the meet. "Thank goodness they don't pay us by the hour!"
6. Team Award.
"We were so excited to win our team plaque this year," said Erin and Prudence, the masters women captains. "And then they called us a Tack Club. We know the economy has hit everyone hard, but we would hope they would just spring for that extra letter," Erin commented. "For me, I've struggled to teach my college classes. Did Chuck deceive me in 2011? Is this a track club or a tack club? I am having serious questions about this team, career, life...I need to really sort this one out," Prudence remarked. When asked about the mistake, USATF-NJ officials did not immediately return our phone calls for comment. Via an email, this email came from their main office: "The awards were terrific. Great. Everyone is talking about the awards. Next year it's going to be ever better. Trust me."
7. Rules. Rules. Rules. "The new stipend rules are just unfair and extreme," blasted Amanda Huginkiss, a recent GSTC recruit. "Now we have to run two USATF-NJ championship races AND run the 82% PLP race in NJ. Why wouldn't a race in NYC or Philly count for the PLP? Like, whatever. And why wouldn't they email this information out? It took me eleven hours to find this on their website! And furthermore, why isn's there a representative of every club on this LDR committee? I mean, this is like only allowing Alaska, Delaware, and Connecticut to have senators in the US government." Consequently, the club will be bringing suit against the regional association for discrimination, as everyone under seventy years old is shunned from the decision-making process.
Kip Kaigwa, a "New Jersey Resident" who flies in from Kenya once a month to wear the black and gold uniform and win prize money, didn't seem to mind. "It is okay. I am excited to run the 18k race next weekend and win the money. It's only 18 loops around this 1k course. My step father's brother, who has a close friend who used to watch their family's pet turtle, lets me use their New Jersey address. So those new thirty-eight rules do not very much bother me. And the Award Miles. These are great. The best. It's going to be terrific."
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