Brian Weitz, on the verge of turning 40 and joining the masters team, has overcome much adversity this winter and has hit sixty miles last week. "I'm excited to join the masters team. I'm looking forward to this new phase of my running career. And at the rate I'm going, I'll be ready to do workouts sometime in February of next year. Hmmm, maybe March."
Twin Peaks has already published a communication stating, although they're excited about him joining the masters team, he has not qualified to purchase any of their elite apparel.
Garcia Pens Great American Novel
Utilizing his free time thanks to the remote learning plans instituted for all New Jersey schools, GSTC half miler and physical education teacher Ricky Garcia has written a book.
"After three weeks of not teaching kickball, I've found myself reflecting about how tragic and futile the human existence truly can be. But don't get me wrong. I'm not embracing any sort of existential nihilism stance on humanity. My work, moreover, explores a more nuanced and refined concept of actions, suffering, and feelings. Macabrely apathetic, if you will, is probably the right definition of the central theme," he said while checking his Instagram feed.
He is currently looking into his publishing options.
Without Donuts to Race For, Club Member Retires From Running
Mark Parisen announced his retirement from the sport of running today. Citing a lack of motivation, an imminent fingernail replacement surgery, and canceled donut races in 2020, he decided to hang up his racing shoes after a long career with GSTC.
"I've enjoyed every minute with the club," he said in a phone interview. "But, sadly, I think I did my last run with members of the women's team last week. I'm just done."
When asked for a comment, club officials were unsure who this man was. "Is that the guy who used to race for us in like 2013? Otherwise, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. But hey, while I have you, can I interest you in running seventeen races in December?"
Club Gala Postponed
The GSTC postponed the club Gala weeks ago. Rescheduling options include the fall, Yankee Stadium, or a two-hundred person Zoom conference. "We've been having a Virtual Gala on Instagram, which has been great," club official Jason Timochko stated. "It helps pass the time--a nice way for me to spend 3-7 seconds every day. I read it, like it, then go back to sleep on the couch," he added.
With No More Racing and Racing Selfies, Karl and Aya Begin Taking Selfies in Kitchen
Karl and Aya Leitz, the club's most famous, photogenic couple, have begun taking uniformed selfies in the kitchen without any upcoming races in sight.
GSTC Museum Preparing for Summer Visitor Surge
The GSTC Museum is almost ready to be unveiled, a secret source within the Leadership Team noted days ago. She also noted the club president is "very bored" right now and should "certainly not quit his day job."
Jaris Flattens the Curve Using Biceps & Posse from Paterson
The curve has become flattened in New Jersey this week thanks to Jaris and his homies from Paterson setting COVID-19 straight.
"I had a quick lil' call with the Corona last week. Told him he needs to find a new turf to do his business. We cool now, but it got a little hot at first," he said between flexes. "You're welcome."
After Further Thought, Twin Peaks Closes to the Public
After reflecting about their business model, Twin Peaks has now closed for public consumption. "After thinking long and hard, we have decided, as a company, to end our Twin Peaks apparel line. The reality was, simply, no one was good enough to use it. Our company standards are high, and no one met them. So, screw you all," a company representative stated in an email from earlier today. "But, we do encourage you all to give the twins the Strava kudos they deserve on a daily basis."
Club Man Walks Fifty Miles to Raise Awareness to Coronavirus
Recognizing the urgency of the Coronavirus, this club member decided to begin a fundraiser to raise awareness for the cause. "At the end of the day, I'm walking from Newark to Trenton for you, the people. This is for all of humanity." He noted the importance of raising awareness to a virus that more people need to be talking about. "People are so busy doing pushups on social media--we need to really focus on the cause of our boredom, and that's why I'll be walking fifty miles down the Turnpike this week."
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April Fools
Okay, but seriously...this thing is real
Joking aside, the spread of COVID-19 is very, very real, and we urge our members to be responsible citizens over the next several weeks and months.
As you know, several club members are experts in the medical field. Their experiences reflect many of the media reports. Hospital beds are filling up, basic equipment like protective masks are in short supply, and the sheer percentage of hospital patients with COVID-19 is surging every week.
Although older people are at greater risk of COVID-19 compromising their respiratory systems, anyone can become infected and require a ventilator for assisted breathing.
Your best bet: assume you are infected but are asymptomatic (showing no symptoms). Keep a good distance from others, limit your travels, wash your hands often, and listen carefully to the advice of medical experts.
This is not a hoax, it is not a political stunt, and it's not a conspiracy theory. It is very real, so please be responsible citizens over the next block of time. It will end eventually.
